Some Basic Laws Of “Kibbud Av Va-Em”

One must be extremely careful to honor and revere his father and mother, for the Torah compares it to the honor and reverence of G-d. Both man and woman are enjoined to honor and revere parents. However, a married woman is not in a position to supply her parents with their needs inasmuch as she depends on others, and she is therefore exempt thereof. But she is obligated to do for her parents all she can as long as her husband does not object. One must honor and respect his step-mother during his father's lifetime and his step-father during his mother's lifetime. It is proper that one honor and respect them even after the death of one's own parents. One must honor and respect his father-in-law and his mother-in-law (as we find that King David honored King Saul, who was his father- in-law, by calling him "my father"; see I Samuel 24:12). Likewise one must honor and respect grandparents. Also implied in thisMitzvah is that one must honor his elder brother and sister. If the father or mother is asleep and the key to one's store lies under their pillow, one must not waken them even if he should loose much profit thereby. However, if the father would benefit by being awakened, and if the son should fail to awake him he will grieve over the loss of the profit, it is the son's duty to arouse him since that will make the father happy. It is also the duty of children to arouse their father for the performance of any religious duty (which might otherwise be neglected) as all are equally bound to honor the Almighty. If the mind of his father or mother is affected, one should make every effort to indulge the vagaries of the stricken parent, until G-d will have mercy on the affected. But if the condition of the parent has grown worse and the son is no longer able to endure the strain, he may leave his father or mother provided he delegates others to give the parent proper care. When a child sees his parent violate the Torah he must not say to him "You have violated a command of the Torah"; he should rather say: "Father, is it not written in the Torah thus and thus?", speaking to him as though he were consulting him instead of admonishing him, so that the parent may correct himself without being put to shame. The Torah is rigorous not only with respect to him who strikes or curses his parents but also with him who puts them to shame. For he who treats them with contempt, even by using harsh words against them, even by a discourteous gesture, is cursed by G-d, as it is said: "Cursed be he that dishonors his father or his mother." (Deut 27:16) One must honor his parents even after their death (see supra, pp. 21ff.). When mentioning parents after their demise one should add: "May his (or her) memory be a blessing." Although children are commanded to go to the aforementioned lengths in their relationship to their parents, the parent is forbidden to impose too heavy a yoke upon them, to be too exacting with them in matters pertaining to his honor, lest he cause them to stumble. He should forgive them and shut his eyes, for a parent has the right to forego the honor due him.